The Other Woman You Should Be Worried About Is Probably Your Best Friend! Why You Should Stop Taking Relationship Advice From Other Single Women!!!


 Forty-five and back on the dating scene is no cake walk already.  Because of my previous DV experience I waited 12 years to pursue a relationship seriously.  Instead, I settled for easy relationships that did not require true intimacy.  While I did not get my needs met romantically speaking, I think I learned some valuable insights for women who are dating no matter what age you happen to be.  (It's never too late is my most recent epiphany!) 

I choose to date quite men.  My two relationships really produced two best friends but I still struggle with romantic intimacy.  Here's the hard truth.  Women don't also want you to succeed at love, even if they love you.  They may not even realize this reality as they are dolling out damaging advice and opinions all over your new found, budding love story.  Even nice girls can be relationship "mean," intentionally maybe but often definitely!!! 

I discovered this anomaly accidentally but it profoundly changed my approach to dating!!! In a previous post I disclosed that I finally broke down, and let my middle crush crossover the friend boundary.  Side tip, if you like someone but you are not ready to date them officially, let him know there is a possibility and be honest about why you are resisting their advances.  I was personally lingering in a dying romance and it had nothing to do with not being interested in my adolescent crush.  It had to do with monogamy.  

He kept at it for almost a year and I eventually decided to take a chance.  I let go of the past and entered the "Great Wide Open," so to speak. That was the prom song at his senior prom and he took me but I was 15 and he made me so incredibly nervous so nothing sexy happened.  The missed opportunity in high school left me thinking there wasn't chemistry which I now know couldn't be farther from the truth for me. Now that I'm a full grown female, the intensity of the attraction is clearly what made me so nervous all those years ago.  Feelings don't leave ladies, they change or they grow but they don't leave.  If you were wildly affected by a childhood crush and lost touch, get f n ready!  The moment he touched me 5th grade love immediately flushed through my body.  Even now a year later, I worry I am a danger to myself or society at large after I've seen him.  I'm walking around in dream land and I surprised I haven't hurt anybody, lol. 

Sure, its sweet but OMG its so scary and risky to have such innocent affection come rushing in intensely.  It's like high voltage electricity, you better be grounded or its gonna knock you off your feet, right?  So what do we all do ladies?  I'll say it, we obsess about every little detail and our girlfriends listen as we retell every ambiguous communication or detail.  "What does that mean?" We all ask all our closest girlfriends to comb through our twitterpation and crush crazies and tell us what it all means and how we need to proceed.  STOP! First of all, yes you do this too ma'am and it's the quickest way to lose a man because of another women.  Your women, you girlfriends may just be your worst enemy.  Seriously, lets talk about what happened to me and see what you think.

Girls, when your yayas come to you for relationship advice what is the first thing you usually think?  Um, this bitch is crazy.  He's gonna know she's crazy but so how can I defuse the crazy, right?  So we can do several things at these moments, and if we are all honest our advice is more about how WE feel about relationships and boundaries.  How is that gonna help me have an authentic experience? Or we could rely on our ridiculous assumptions about the male species, usually fostered from years of exposure to toxic males in our early 20s, so right,.. I'm asking a baby girl I love but I know is crazy in relationships because she tells me everything, to help me navigate mine.  No.  

No, love doesn't work the way.  We want it to be so simple we can go to our peers but really we need to research, ask professionals, our parents, read a blog, or ASK A GUY FRIEND! Novel and fn genius.  Thankfully, I have a couple of really good guy friends who are no longer trying to sleep with me help me see his/hers miscommunications. But even still, can someone else perspective on what is happening between two people really provide new insights?  Maybe, but I am willing to wager, rarely.

I have 3 scenarios for your contemplation.  1) She loves you so much she is hyper sensitive that every other thing he does means he's shady.  She's had shady men do that very thing... in a different situation, with a different man AND you and her, also different people. 2) She's a manhater who will never be happy and doesn't have a relationship offering credibility.  You know better than anyone if you are asking your relationship crazy girlfriend for relationship advice. Um, don't people. 3)  She is bitter, jealous and unhappy personally and she toxifies anything you have going on because she has a need not to be lonely in her misery.  You could be her secret nemesis and never know ladies.  That's just how some bitches be; we all know this.  So what are we thinking? I almost lost my man several times this year until finally it turned put I lost my bestie. Neither are desirable and both were avoidable I think.  

Here's example A.  My love lost his wife and he is raising small children alone.  He then lost his dad and he's sad. Well, now he's starting to have some happy but that took a lot of understanding to discover underneath his pain.  What my bestie thought was unacceptable behavior was just his behavior; where he was at.  It didn't really bother me I didn't have answers because Domestic V girls who survive are in no hurry to repeat sick patterns.  I'm right for and ready to move very, very slowly.  Was her need for me to define things confusing me? YES!!!! 100%  Was he? No not really. Quite men taught me, we don't need to talk about every little and all the things with the boys, girls.  Practice restraint of pen and tongue, a wise person once told me.  (The Big Book of AA, lot of good stuff in there for everybody.) 

Her advice was for her in some other relationship where she got hurt, I'm guessing. Either way, I had all the information I needed to know better. In our friendship she is super needy, self-serving and a little shallow or lacking authenticity lets say.  She was learning from me in these areas, why did I think her advice would help me?  Because she is married....  but then again I want to punch myself in the face when her and her man start screaming at each other about dumb shit in front of people.  Is that what I'm conjuring.  No thank you, please. When I took her advice, I looked like a self-centered ass monkey and worse I felt my love learned those things about me... but it was her advice.  I looked like relationship her not relationship me. This happened util I almost let her neurosis destroy everything.  I now think she is experiencing post pardon but negativity is contagious when we are obsessing unnecessarily.

 I did loose my friend and I'd have preferred to have both relationships.  It got to unhealthy and I couldn't see Daddy's needs through her reasonings.  "Don't call him he needs to be the one to chase you." He was so sad he was isolating, if I hadn't chased him I wouldn't have him.  "Don't let him get away with canceling a date."  "Make him tell you the things or treat you the way we DESERVE to be treated."  Granted no one should be nasty but where are we getting these social rules and why are we actually applying nonsense to what needs thoughtfulness?  Is only calling me a couple times a week or seeing me a couple times in the first few weeks and months unacceptable?  It's completely acceptable behaviors, my dears Wise even. We owe ourselves the good sense to know when to stop listening to "the other woman," and start watching the person we are falling in love with quietly.  You want to know what he's thinking, stop talking and start listening and looking at what is doing.  If doesn't ghost you, you're still in the game.  You let that music play, he won't get away.  Just keep the grove and then he'll come back to you again.  Keep it 1980's ladies. If you're out there trying to play it cool, maybe stop playing.  That's just games anyways.  Just be cool and if you can't do that talk to a therapist or something.  Online you could probably get a session with a professional for $50.  Credible sources, that's what our mom's and teachers always say.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Surviving Domestic Violence: From Victim to Survivor, Discovering Healing is Possible

Image
  My name is Cat and I am a proud survivor of domestic violence #survivorsnotvictims #survivingandthriving. For the next three months I'm blocking all my other posts and focusing solely on my story as a survivor of domestic violence. While my story is engaging we aren't going to start as the beginning for a very important reason.  In order to start recovering the most important element is for a victim to see a way out. By visualizing a life free from trauma, I was able to start building a life that reflected who I really am.  The person that had been stifled, belittled and lost inside the chaos of abuse was still faintly breathing deep within my spirit.   My journey to manifest my future and begin healing started with the simple awareness that my broken spirit was not the real me. The twisted and sick identity I had accepted was violently prescribed to me by a sadistic criminal using me as a source for his narcissistic personality. Somewhere beneath all the mani...
Read more

Why You Need to Stop Telling Young Women Not to Call you Ma'am! Try "Thank You Young Lady!"

Image
 I recently spent an absorbent amount of time trying to help my oldest child find her wings.  She graduated from college around the time of the pandemic and "failure to launch" affects her generation.    The jobs are not readily available for these graduates.  The pandemic disrupted their college experience, and they have accepted themselves as the "failure to launch" generation.  I feel bad for their timing but there is an overall attitude that they got screwed when it comes to adulting.   So I tried to help my little bird find new ways to invent herself.  I invested time and money and we both came up short.  What I thought would be a learning experience, completely turned on me.  In the end, I wasted thousands of dollars and a ridiculous amount of time on a project she just discarded.  To make matters worse she now seems to blame me for keeping her from making personal progress.  I was trying to help the child find her b...
Read more

What I Learned About Men When I Was A Dancer

Image
You read it right.  It is exactly what you are thinking.  I believe I've mentioned before, I have a lot of stories and an interesting past.  Now I work in the legal field and as an advocate.  However, there was a time in my life when I wanted a good income but did not have  an education.  Full disclosure, this is still one of my favorite work experience so please don't judge me just yet.  I will explain everything!  I chose to do this article because honestly, it's the most engaging.  This is the stuff all women are curious about and I do have some insight into the male perspective now that I would like to bestow upon the internet ladies.   First of all, I am a classically trained dancer, a certified yoga teacher and I love to be naked, lol.  Now I do so in the privacy of my own home of course but there was a time when these three qualities made me a very successful dancer.  Note, I said dancer.  While I did see a lot...
Read more

Why I Spent $1,200 on a Local Hotel Room and Vacationed by Myself for 6 Days: Mindful Selfcare

Image
 I have this habit and it has grown over time.  In the beginning, I would get a hotel room at the local conference center for a night.  I would order food, watch premium TV, swim and layout.  No cleaning, cooking or worrying about what I need to get done for 24 hours.  Heaven, right?  But my staycations evolved into something I honestly don't know if I could do without.  I have always traveled alone because I was single for many years.  I guess I go used to it over the years and now I rely on it.  Rarely, do I leave my own town.  Life doesn't stop right.  I still have dogs, kids and a partner.  Responsibilities I can't afford to leave for any real length of time.  So I go to where I'm happiest. Whenever there is some stress in my life or I need a reset, I check in.  Usually, it's on an impulse.  I think I get to a breaking point, although subtle it is definitely burnt out and maybe the beginning of depression....
Read more

What Is Up With The Office Queen Bee? Why are some women always competing? - mindful selfcare

Image
 We have all known one at some point in our lives.  She's the girl who always has to be the center of attention.  If you take attention from her in anyway she views you as a threat.  Before you know it you are in some type of compaction you didn't even sign up for.  We expect this in high school but what happens if a Queen Bee takes ever your work environment?  I'm going to tell you how the Lauren show took over my favorite team and single handedly ruined the culture in our office!  Looking back I would have done so many things differently.  So how do you handle a female narcissist in the work place?  Hopefully, by the end of this rant ways to address this situation will emerge.  First, we need to define the problem. I recently had the best job experience and the worst job experience collide in my professional life.  I was hired as an intake specialist for law firms by way of a call center.  I very quickly became the lead perfo...
Read more

These Aren't Just bruises, They Mark Where Someone's Violence and Hate Entered This Body, The Truth about Physical Violence and the Mind/Body/Spirit

Image
 Understanding why a person would stay in a relationship with someone who is abusing them is difficult for most people to comprehend.  I know what people think.  I could have left at anytime so why did I allow physical violence  against my person to continue?  As innocent as this question seems, it is the origin of the most effect legal defense available to abusers, victim blaming.  Victim blaming has historically allowed defendants to escape justice for criminal behaviors by gaslighting, crazy making and shifting blame.  I repeat the manta "Lie, Deny, Attack, Shift Blame."  My personal testimony includes repeating this mantra to my abuser when he tries dominating me as an aggressor in any way.  I say it over and over loudly and constantly until he stops speaking and disengages toxic behavior.  I don't even let the words spewing out of his stupid face enter my ear space.  He is wielding words like weapons and I do not participate or...
Read more

The People We Pray To. Who Are Your Saints?

Image
We all have different beliefs about a "higher power."  There's as many deities as there are people if you ask me.  In the rooms of AA we make sure to never instruct anyone on who they should pray to.  We just tell newcomers to pray and as far as I can tell, it works.  We are united in that we really on Faith to stay sober.  But there are some things we all have in common I think.   When you are alone with yourself do you ever consider those who have passed on?  Do we not all think of the saints in this life that we have known and whether or not they can see the things we do?  I've made decisions in my life that ashamed that some of my loved ones may have seen from a spiritual plane.  I recently dated a widower and the most amazing thing happen.  It cured my atheism.  The one problem I had with completing the steps on AA was step 3, concede and decide to turn our will over to the care of God.  It was something I simply coul...
Read more

Are You Right Sized? Self-Aware Needs Self-love. Do You Judge Your Personality's Traits Instead of Your Personality Defects?

Image
We are made intelligently by the universe with randomly diverse beautiful abilities . I believe anyway.  I often get frustrated when people with big personalities feel guilty for some of the traits of their person.  My friend Tracy in the AA meetings is alpha and she's a female with a real boss as bitch vibe.  She is probably an alpha a lot of times when she's the only women. She and I probably alpha men as frequently most men who are alphas are the point man on things.  This happens to me sometimes,.  Women are often made to feel like we are obnoxious when they intimidate men because they've out shown them.  In AA we have to pick apart our shortcomings because these can cause us to drink. But how often do we take it too seriously and judge our own personalities instead. From what I hear when people discuss step four, shortcomings, we often judge too harshly the things that also define us.  For the survivor, picking apart shortcomings can also be a dan...
Read more