Surviving Domestic Violence: From Victim to Survivor, Discovering Healing is Possible
My journey to manifest my future and begin healing started with the simple awareness that my broken spirit was not the real me. The twisted and sick identity I had accepted was violently prescribed to me by a sadistic criminal using me as a source for his narcissistic personality. Somewhere beneath all the manipulation was a beauty queen, an academic, a mother, a leader, a teacher and coach, a good friend, an empath, a selfless nurturer and a beautiful soul.
At the time, immediately following when I reported the abuse, I only saw one potential future strong enough to empower me to move forward. I filed for my own restraining order through the magistrate court in my jurisdiction. I had no money for an attorney. My evidences was not substantial enough to receive support from the local advocacy group; I wasn't hospitalized nor did I have an event that initiated police proceedings. I was fed up, tired and after 5 years of violence directed solely at me, I now had a baby to protect. She was exposed to and involved in violence regularly and the intensity was building as the pattern of abuse does, cyclically. (A child did not end the violence like my justifying and minimizing and victim reasoning had convinced me it would.)
I got on-line, downloaded the forms for a temporary restraining order and began filling out the form. I thought I had a few incidents to report and would get through the form quickly. Instead, incidents flooded my mind. There was probably 200 violent events, I now know, buried inside of my denial. My petition was accepted by the magistrate judge after a brief interview. With the temporary order in place, I prepared for court without any support system save my few witnesses and family. My abuser however showed up with the best defense attorney in our area. I still won. The attorney I later hired said this is because the events that I described were too explicitly violent and specific to have spung from the imagination of a scorned woman seeking revenge. After the hearing, something woke up inside me. If I have the where-with-all to represent myself and succeed,,, what could I really do for other victims legally. One goal entered my consciousness. Could I help other victims get legal protection?
Since leaving my abuser, I have accomplished the following. I never returned to my 8 year career as a stripper at a popular gentlemen's club, thankfully never resorting to prostitution. I completed a 200 hour yoga teacher training, followed by two specialty certifications in Buti yoga and restorative yoga. I have started Ashtanga training and will soon seek certification in that teacher training. Cumulatively, I have 400 hours of yoga teacher training under my belt. I completed a paralegal certification and started a career in legal intake, now I have 15 years experience in the legal industry. I returned to a very respectable university and switched my major from English to Political Science with an emphasis in Woman's Issues/Oppression. I will graduate this December and my GPA is currently a 3.5. Not quite honors but damn good enough for graduate studies. Two of my children have completed their bachelor's and are happy, contributing members of society. I've purchased a home. I've had a successful, healthy relationship lasting 7 years and only ending because I want o marry. I took a job in which I was originally hired as a legal intake phone representative and climbed all the way to the third highest position in the entire company. My title upon leaving this work experience was Director of Operations and I was subordinate only to the Administrator of Operations and the owner and investing team. I am living sober and I work a program of recovery. I take pride in this accomplishment everyday. I don't feel like I am missing out on anything by not drinking. The opposite is true surprisingly.
I am good sister, friend, daughter and mother. Although, I was unable to eradicate my abuser from my daughter's life entirely, she no longer takes her visitation time with him and instead stays with his mother and father. If he so much as attempts to punish her physically, my "no corporal punishment" clause goes into effect and he can be arrested for contempt of court for violating our final parenting agreement. (This clause was created by me and my attorney, a graduate of Harvard Law, insists this is a brilliant and innovative technique he could not have come up with himself.... thank God for me) I finally came out as a bi-sexual person and proudly chose queer to describe my LBGTQ identity.
I completed 3 years of cognitive behavioral therapy, meeting 3 times a week at the most intense part of my treatment. I now take the minimum prescriptions available to me and my diagnoses. I no longer have nightmares every sleep and I can speak about my abuse openly without triggering a panic attack.
Essentially, I reached and surpassed any goals I ever imagined even possible when I first broke free from my abuser. Though I am unsure where my next endeavors will be that original dream of becoming a victim's advocate is very much available to me. I can choose to continue my education or get a masters of social work. I am writing again. My whole degree, career and education center around one skill near and dear to me. I write, mostly argumentative briefs and legal documents presently. I am exploring self-care, healing and recovery biographies and blogs ;)
Please comment with any questions as people rarely understand why victims remain in relationships that hurt them. Most view this as a problem for poor, underprivileged communities. There is NO demographic unrepresented among the groups affected by DV victimization. Educated, well off, etc. There is no class or race exempt from becoming a victim of this elusive crime. There is however, a discrepancy in the resources provided by law enforcement and non-profits for Black women affected by domestic violence that needs to be reconciled. The murder rate in this community is substantially higher than any other population for a variety of reasons. This is where I am directing my research. I openly acknowledge that as a white woman in a privileged community, I was far more likely to receive the help I needed. I did not accept outreach funding because my family was capable of financing my recovery. This racial discrimination extends from the moment of victim reporting to the final stages of legal prosecution and the lack of justice is unacceptable. I seek to remedy this in my community. If you are experiencing domestic or intimate partner abuse please ask for help, there are resources at your local police station. I am happy to speak with you privately and anonymously if you indicate you need assistance in response to this feed. We can find a private place to speak.
One step out the door is enough to change everything. Simply make your beginning and you can be free.
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